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Another Blow For Freedom Against The Liberal Drive-By Gotcha Lamestream Media
Ah, you’ve arrived — glad you could make it. Help yourself to the brandy and grab a seat; we have important matters to discuss. You see, Beef Products Inc. (BPI) — a company with a quintessentially...
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I Had No Idea That Rand Paul Was Such A Baby
I had just returned to the office after a three-hour, six-martini lunch at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, when I was accosted by my dimwitted VP of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser. He had a...
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Happy International Women’s Day
The phone rang once, twice, three times before a man with a singsong voice answered. “Pete’s Poontang Emporium,” he said. “Pete speaking. How may my lovely ladies serve you?” “Pete, it’s Mr. Carver,” I...
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Paul Ryan’s Latest Budget Is Getting Me All Hot
I decided to grab lunch at the Metropolitan Club with two of my former associates from Luddite, Crapstone & Fuchs, Charles “Chuck” Luddite XV and Leo Dreisdale. Once our orders were placed and our...
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Seven, Everyone’s A Loser
“For East Egg!” I bellowed, my homeland’s battle cry echoing off the walls of the dank and dusty back alley where I was engaged in a game of dice with three rather disreputable-looking gentlemen. I...
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Why Don’t We Change Our Mascot To A Hippie And Call Ourselves The...
I was in a meeting with two of my underlings at Carver Consolidated Capital (C3) this morning when a news alert flashed on my Blackberry. My eyes exploded with shock, and I yanked the phone off my desk...
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I’m Cool So Long As No One Tries To Put A Ring On My Finger
I have a lot on my plate today, not the least of which involves acquiring a family-owned sporting goods company with 40 years of history, saddling it with debt to cover the purchase price, and...
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A Is For Ambush
Is For Ambush My vice president of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser entered his office and flicked on the light, never noticing that I was standing adjacent to the door with my back to the wall. He made a...
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C Is For Cashtushy
Is For Cashtushy “You really must admit — this is rich.” That was me to my former personal secretary Ms. Cashtushy. We were in the conference room at Carver Consolidated Capital (C3), discussing her...
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E Is For Easy
Is For Easy “Once everything’s settled,” said my vice president of acquisitions Bob Laudermilk, “it looks like we’ll clear a good twenty million, maybe more, off this Oglethorpe Sporting Goods deal.”...
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L Is For Lawyer
Is For Lawyer My desktop intercom beeped yesterday afternoon but as I was neck-deep in some very important work, I decided to ignore it. Whoever was trying to reach me wasn’t taking “no” for an answer...
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N Is For No
Is For No “Good morning, Mr. Carver,” said Carver Consolidated Capital’s (C3’s) office manager Ms. Cashtushy as I hustled through the front door. “Can I—” “No,” I said, brusquely waving her off. I then...
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P Is For Pussycat
Is For Pussycat I arrived home from work to find a large, pink party bus parked in my estate’s expansive driveway, “Pete’s Pussycat Emporium” emblazoned on the side. I pulled up next to it and observed...
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Q Is For Quit
Is For Quit “Come in,” I said to my vice president of acquisitions Bob Laudermilk as he entered my office. “Have a seat. Would you care for a drink? An Old Fashioned, perhaps? Maybe a martini if you...
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R Is For Rush
Is For Rush I’d been sitting by the phone with naught but a pitcher of Old Fashioneds, a tray of hoagies, and the third season of Downton Abbey for company, waiting on an important call from my close,...
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V Is For Vengeance
Is For Vengeance “Greetings Mister Father! At last we meet again. It appears reports of both our deaths were greatly exaggerated!” The guy spouting the clichés was my adopted son Kang, aka Batukhang...
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W Is For What
Is For What I decided to do a little snooping around the office yesterday — you know, see what kind of dirt I could dig up on my employees — and found myself in the main break room shortly after eleven...
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Y Is For Yacht
Is For Yacht “Alright everyone, cover your ears!” I shouted, my voice amplified by a high-powered bullhorn. “This is going to be loud!” I touched the torch to the cannon’s wick and was soon rewarded...
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Z Is For Zamboni
Is For Zamboni My vice president of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser entered his home with his dog and flicked off the porch light, never noticing that I was seated on a parked Zamboni in the woods across...
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Time To Protect The Copyright For Another Year
Greetings, fellow patriots. I realize it’s been awhile since I last took to my soapbox to pummel you with my high-powered brand of truth, justice and the American Way, but that’s no skin off my ass. In...
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